“I Don’t Know” and that’s okay!

The Pleasure of Not Knowing

This morning I drifted up through a dream, one with several threads: I could ‘hear’ today’s blog writing itself as a stream of consciousness, I connected with the flow of funding I’ve been expecting for some time, and I was being actively courted by polymath Dr. Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds.  (Okay, so Matthew Gray Gubler is 20 years younger and apparently goes out with models – it was my dream, right? He still fits my type:  tall, slender, intelligent, with lots of conversation and wide knowledge set.  But I digress…)

That wasn’t the important part. As I came into full awareness, I realized my mind was quiet, calm, and still – nearly miraculous in itself. Then I got such inner certainty of it being a new day, a day that could be shaped any way I wanted, or that my Godself desires, a day of fresh possibilities based on NOT knowing what might happen, NOT bound by the momentum of yesterday and the day before, or the stress of toxic memories and experiences.

You may have noticed that I like to know things: facts, connections, probabilities, directions. When I was at the Coaches Training Institute in 1999-2000, one exercise was to face one’s deepest fear (as a coach), and mine turned out to be ‘I don’t know’. For some reason, my inner filing system equates knowing with control, and I dislike being out of control. So ultimately, that need to know is about trust, or lack of trust. Can I really trust the universe to look after me? Can I trust the people around me to appreciate me? Can I trust myself to do/be my best?

At the same time, needing to know (or control) everything doesn’t allow the time and space to let in new thoughts, feelings, desires, directions. It doesn’t allow flow, or rest, or even curiosity, which is the search for the new and different, for the unknown. What is the point of asking (as I do every day), “What do YOU (Spirit) want me to know today?” if I am holding on so tightly to what I already know that there is no room for anything new?  If I am so fixated on being correct that I miss the big picture of truth+light?

My normal mental state is quick and accurate, which is fine when I’m working with a client – we want to find the right questions and the true answers so that we can clear the field and move on. We don’t want to linger in either confusion – meaning a fuse has blown – or in reliving what does NOT work for that person.  To be a fast processor has the same advantages as having the latest computer: zip, zip, and you’re done, ready to process the next file. The down side is that when the brain is moving too quickly, it automatically takes the same paths as in the past, and also can leap on a lower version of truth (that is, being right, being correct) rather than a truth that also incorporates the most light, and therefore is the most intelligent answer at a higher frequency.  This situation is similar to being very, very good at Trivial Pursuit vs. arriving at the best answers for life itself.

Intellectual knowledge (and speed of processing) has always been my defense against criticism and lack of validation.  It has taken years to slow down enough to appreciate intuition and body intelligence of being more valid and valuable in many situations.  This has given me even more appreciation for the Zen concept of the ’empty mind’, or seeing the ‘beginner’s mind’ as a teacup that still has room for new ideas or experiences.

At any rate, my calm, still mind this morning helped to remember that today is a fresh moment restart my daily creation, unhampered by any beliefs in I can’t, I won’t, worry, judgment or blame.  If I trust in Spirit, what am I creating today?  What will YOU create today?

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