Chocolate Jokes

Top Reasons why Chocolate is better than Sex:

• You can get chocolate anytime you want it.
• Good chocolate is easy to find.
• You don’t have to beg for chocolate.
• With chocolate, you don’t have to fake satisfaction.
• You can safely have chocolate while driving.
• You can have chocolate on your desk without upsetting your work-mates.
• You can have chocolate any time of the month.
• Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
• You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to…
• You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
• You can have chocolate all weekend and still walk okay on Monday.
• Chocolate satisfies, even when it has gone soft.
• Chocolate doesn’t keep you awake talking after you’ve had it.
• If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate doesn’t mind.
• With chocolate, size doesn’t matter – it’s always good .
• You are never too old or too young for chocolate.
• You can have chocolate with little kids and not have to go to jail.
• You can ask a stranger for chocolate and not get your face slapped.
• You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
• The best reason is that chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant!

The Genetics of M&Ms

Whenever I get a packet of M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesised that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of M&Ms. I consider this “grant money”. I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field f hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.   There can be only one!

And furthermore…

What does a man have in common with a bar of chocolate? He’s sweet, he’s smooth, and he usually goes straight for her hips.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.

Rules for eating Chocolate  

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices, and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home in a hot car. The solution? Eat it in the car park.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.  Eat more chocolate!

Why is there no such organisation as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one go. Isn’t that handy?

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. If you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you? Maybe you shouldn’t have bought so much! Share it out, already!

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can’t let that happen, can you?